David Madden Speaks; I Scoff in His General Direction

So a long time ago, I wrote about how the current Jeopardy! champion makes me all violent and stuff. And now he wants to defend himself.

In the interest of telling the whole truth, I have to say that I don't even watch Jeopardy! right now because I don't get home in time. I suppose I could Tivo it, but that would mean I would have to spend 22 minutes with my eyes rolled back in my head and seriously, I do that all day, when I am dealing with freshmen. When I get home, I like to give my eye-rolling muscles a break, even though they are freakishly strong due to frequent usage.

I am going to paste his response here, and then I am going to respond to his response. And I could attribute my lack of class to work-related stress, or sister-related worries, but the truth is, I'm just really, really mean.

Comments: Wow,
As the target of all this praise/criticism, it's really got my head

Given the size of your head, this must be a massive, massive undertaking.

So, let me try to clear a few things up. First, I don't mind if
you hate me on the show (there were definitely past contestants who
rubbed me the wrong way), but for God's sakes, don't you have better
things to do with your life than bash me online?

Um, wait; are you bashing me for bashing you online? Because, "Hi, Pot. It's me, Kettle."

Meanwhile, for all those
who think I'm some sort of insufferable tool

And the numbers continue to grow ...
Plus, I LOVE the word tool.

- let me offer the following
opposing evidence.

Aw, geez, are we really gonna Ally McBeal this? Bygones.

[Note: That is a really old joke. But then, I am really old.]

1. I'm writing this from a Kinko's in Baton Rouge, on my way back to
Houston after helping flying in from Germany to help out with the
hurricane relief efforts.

Well my goodness. How extremely humanitarian of you. I feel so bad that I haven't flown ANYWHERE and that all I've been doing for victims of Hurricane Katrina is donating items, buying nonperishable foods, taking part in an Adopt-A-School program that sends supplies to Mississippi schools ravaged by the hurricane, and oh yeah, TEACHING REFUGEE CHILDREN. How selfish I have been! I'm totally flying into New Orleans right now!

And also, if you are paying Kinko's ten bucks an hour to tell me how awesome you are, that is so, so lame.

2. I am 24. I was in bed with a 37 year old woman two nights ago.

Okay, this is in response to my saying that he looks like is 17. That is true; look at him sometime.

I personally am often mistaken for a student at school, even though I am 30. Sometimes this works out, like when the cafeteria ladies try to make me pay a lower price for my lunch. Sometimes it stinks, like when a parent comes to talk to me and is like, "Oh, you're not old enough to be a teacher." I just respond with good-naturedly, since it's not like I haven't heard it before, and also, what 30 year old woman doesn't like to be told she looks younger?

I do NOT know, however, what the deal is with the 37 year old woman. I ... don't care. I ... didn't ask? I ... think you're a j-hole for bringing it up?

3. I can see how my style of play might not appeal to all viewers, but
I stand by my strategy, as well as knowledge.

Who gives a crap? Your style of play has obviously served you well, but Hitler's style of racial genocide worked out for him for a while too. Of course I don't think you are Hitler, although I am no fan of his either.

And no one is disputing that you are very knowledgeable; I just think you could use a little less false modesty and a lot more real modesty. Hint: Lose the smirk.

4. When I was in high school, I captained my school's quiz bowl team to
2nd place at the national championship. The Monday afterwards, they
announced our success over the PA in school. I didn't hear it, though,
since I was in detention for having talken back to our school's famously
fascist librarians.

So what you're saying is that you've been a tool for a long, long time. Hunh, I wouldn't have guessed.

Also, talken is not the past tense of the word talk, which I think a Jeopardy! champion should know.

5. Bird watching rocks. And if you don't like chocolate chip cookies-
you're the weirdo, not me.

Bird-watching is boring, even if you don't have ADD. Chocolate chip cookies are okay, but I am an oatmeal raisin girl. And no matter what way you cut it, I am not the weirdo here.

Enough ranting.

Are you sure? Because I could do this all day.

1 comment:

DAVE (theendofdave.com) said...

That was more brutal than I could hope to be. You are a mistress.

I never enjoyed seeing someone lose so much.


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