Joon, My Little Sis

Thanks to all who expressed their sorrow at Joon's recent miscarriage. I really appreciate knowing that there are people out there who are thinking of her and her loss.

So let me tell you how she's doing.

Last Tuesday, Joon and her husband MJ went to the doctor for their first ultrasound. Obviously, it sucked.

The doctor thought that there should be a heartbeat, but then said maybe they had their dates off; if the baby was less than six weeks old, the heartbeat might not be audible.

Joon had had some spotting, which is sometimes normal during a pregnancy. The doctor said that he had found some old blood as well as new blood, and he was worried about that. He took some samples for tests, and told them they would know the results in a few days.

So Joon had to go on bedrest for three days. This would be very difficult for me, personally. When I go through a crisis, I prefer to keep to my routine; it helps me keep my mind off other things. Joon is the same way; it was very hard for her to stay home by herself and not worry. I'm sure she DID worry, as we all did.

Her Wednesday went smoothly; there was no more spotting, and we all began to feel hopeful that everything would be all right. Joon's doctor had expressed relief that Joon had been experiencing the symptoms of pregnancy, and said that that was a good sign.

However.

Thursday, Joon and MJ returned to the doctor, who gave them the results of the tests:
the baby had died in its fourth week of existence. Joon had been right about the baby's age (six, almost seven, weeks), but it was no longer with her.

Wednesday, our church had prayed for Joon during the weekly prayer meeting, and there were people all over the world who were praying as well. That night, a woman from church who had had a miscarriage herself called Joon and talked to her for a long time.

The upshot is, Joon and MJ, although they were of course saddened at losing the baby, were at peace. The loss of their child was a shock and it's not like they were jumping for joy or anything, but they put their trust in God that He would take care of everything.

I have to say, I was impressed with them. I don't know that I would have been so calm in their position.

Friday, Joon had a D&C. (I don't really want to go into details on this procedure; Google it if you need information). Joon had never had surgery before, so she was a little nervous about it. She came through like a champ, though, and was at home before I got out of school that day.

I went to see her, and there she was, my baby sister, lying in bed all pale and washed out. She looks different without makeup. She was talking and laughing, and was looking forward to getting back to school (she's a teacher too).

I talked to her online that night; sometimes it's easier with delicate subjects to speak of them when you're not face to face. We talked about the baby and about the miscarriage among other things. She said she is glad that if this had to happen, it happened now, before she had begun really planning or buying things or choosing names; it is easier to deal with at this point than it would have been if she had carried the baby to term and it had died.

She and MJ do plan on trying again. Her doctor told her that she has a strong cervix. "What's a cervix?" she asked me. "I cannot BELIEVE you are married," I responded.

Wednesday night, I'd had a dream about Joon's baby. In the dream, it was little more than a blob, really, about the shape of a lima bean. It was vaguely baby-shaped; you could sort of pick out a head but there wasn't much else that was baby-like about it. Except it had a hand, and that hand was outstretched. I told Joon about my dream. "What do you think it means?" she asked. "I don't know. Maybe it was just reaching out for its mom or trying to hold on to you," I said. "I think it was saying goodbye," she wrote back.

We went on to other topics, but she returned to my dream later. She found some comfort in it, and I am glad. I have had weird, almost prophetic dreams like that before, but this is the first time I felt like one should be shared. I almost didn't tell her about it, because I was afraid it would upset her, but she really grabbed onto it and held tight to the message we tried to interpret from it.

So Joon is recovering. Her body may be weak temporarily, but she is strong in her spirit, and she is not dwelling on the bad things that happened to her but is looking ahead to the blessings in store for her.