Oral History

I'm sure you'll find this shocking--SHOCKING--but I'm not really the most conventional of teachers. Yeah, I know.

One of my fears is that the administrators at my school will randomly listen in on my classes through the school intercom, and I'll be saying something weird that could, out of context, be somewhat ... questionable.

For example, here are some things a principal might have heard if he'd chosen to wiretap my world history class today.

"You guys, I'm totally saying stuff in Chinese today, so prepare to have your MINDS BLOWN."

"Right, so your book calls this chapter 'The Decline of the Qing Dynasty,' but to be quite frank, the subtitle should be 'England Is a Jerk.'"

"And their main domestic problems were corruption, peasant unrest, and incompetence, which: THANK GOD, never happens anymore." [One of my students said, "That sounded like sarcasm," and I said, "It diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiid?"]

(re: Opium Wars)
"And China was like, 'No, we don't want your British goods,' so then Great Britain was like, 'Boo, we'll show you. Here, HAVE SOME DRUGS!"

"So, basically, it was like if you went and picked a fight with a five-year-old. That has a drug problem."

(re: Tai Ping Rebellion)
"And then he was like, 'Jesus told me to destroy you! And then to name this city Heavenly Kingdom of Great Peace!' So, more or less, it's like if I punched you in the face and then said, 'God bless you.'"

"If I were a math genius, I would break that down into the average number of deaths per day, but ... I don't actually care that much."

"And then when China had the AUDACITY to protest, Britain was like, 'HOW DARE YOU SIR. Also, we'll take Beijing now, pip pip!"

(re: self-strengthening)
"But China was all, 'Noooooooo, not democracy! That's just crazy talk!'"

(re: spheres of influence)
"So all these different countries made their claims, and they were like, 'This part is mine. Mine mine mine mine mine. MINE.'"

(re: the assignment)
"Nobody leaves unless you've given me your opium paper."