Learning

I'm always annoyed when people get all self-righteous about their level of fitness. Seriously, some formerly-fat people are as bad as former smokers and Jehovah's Witnesses when it comes to proselytizing.

I cannot deal with that, though, because I am exactly the type of person who, if you tell me to put on galoshes because it looks like rain, I would wear my white satin shoes ON PURPOSE just because you're not the boss of me. My philosophy--which I never share with the prophets, on account of I have a whole other life going on inside my head that has nothing to do with the polite smile on my face--is

I WILL LOSE WEIGHT WHEN I LOSE WEIGHT.

And, since no one has been bugging me about it, I figure now is a good time to lose some weight. Also, it is summer, and I am bored.

So, you know how, on sitcoms, whenever somebody starts exercising he's always like, "I'm hurting in places I didn't even know I had muscles," and then there's some canned laughter because that is a really lame line?

Yeah, I did not know that running would LITERALLY be a PAIN IN THE BUTT. ("Running," I mean.) My booty is not used to doing anything more strenuous than ... growing. So to take it out of its natural habitat (the couch) and require it to exert some energy without the promise of an ice cream reward is really asking a lot.

I thought I would try some stretching on the days I run, to get the kinks out and increase flexibility and crap like that. So I Tivo'd this program off the fitness channel (did you know there was one?) called Namaste Yoga, not because I want to like, center myself or anything, but because I know Gwyneth Paltrow likes the yoga and that's good enough for me. The only thing is ... yoga is really BORING. It's soooo slow and I know I'm supposed to use the time to meditate and breathe and whatnot, but COME ON. I am physically incapable of doing one thing at a time; I need sensory overload or I'm dropping right out. Yoga is not an exercise for the attention deficit disordered, that's for sure.

I've been reading a lot of stuff online about running and improving form and preventing injuries. None of it, of course is helpful. I like details when I'm learning something new; I need specific instructions that are numbered and illustrated with charts and graphs and optional videos.

Like, I wanted to know the best way to breathe when running, because I tend to hold my breath and I found out that was probably not a good idea, when I almost passed out on the track that is rarely visited and is behind lots of buildings and is maybe not visible from the road. So I googled it, and basically every single article says, "Breathe comfortably." THAT IS NOT HELPFUL. I want to know, do you inhale on the left foot and exhale on the right? Should you inhale for two counts and exhale for four? How come I know what Paris Hilton is having for breakfast in jail but not how to complete a sixty second run without performing CPR on my own self?

It is day three of my fitness regime. It's a miracle that I've come this far.