American Idol Sucks My Soul Out and Eats It

... and yet I can't stop watching. I hope I never get my hands on heroin.

So tonight was Boys' Night, which means that tonight was Boring Night. I don't often watch AI before the Top Twelve, and now I totally remember why.

But here are my thoughts:

Blake - I do not think Randy should have told the boy to "do [his] beat-boxin' thang, yo." I like Blake, I think he's a great performer, but I do NOT like gimmicks. Also, I do not like the white-boy reggae; I find it very disingenuous and also annoying. Still, he is consistently entertaining, and he is fun to watch, which is a rarity in this particular season.

Sanjaya - Please someone put me out of my misery. Tonight's performance was off-key and so so so boring. He is ALWAYS boring. And whenever he is onscreen, all I can think is, "CUT YOUR HAIR!" because I am an old lady like that. (His teeth are nice though.)

Sundance - I do not like him. I do not like him. I do not like him. Let us start with his name, which probably nobody called him by until this very competition. Like, remember when Ryan Starr (Season 1) auditioned as Tiffany Montgomery and then by the time she got to Hollywood she'd changed her name and cut holes in all her clothes? I feel like that is what has happened here. All that aside, I CANNOT BELIEVE that Pearl Jam released their song ABOUT A BOY WHO SHOOTS UP HIS CLASSROOM to this show. Hey, maybe they didn't! And maybe somebody will tell Eddie Vedder and he will sue them for millions of dollars and the producers will kick Sundance out for being a financial liability! Ahh, dreams.

Chris R. - I find him very likeable but his voice is inconsistent. Tonight he sang a song about being drunk, which I thought was weird. And then he said his grandma would like it. My grandma would have boxed my jaw, but whatever. I think he's better at up-tempo songs, and I like it when he bounces around. Caution: he has a little bit of a Federline vibe to him, which is a concern.

Jared - Jared looks at the camera in such a way that it makes me think my television has been violated. That alone is enough to make me hope he does not go any further. Also, he is not a great singer, and he dedicated a song about SEX to his PARENTS. I liked the sweater he wore tonight though.

Brandon - I love Brandon. I think he is a very good singer, and I liked the song he sang tonight (I Just Want to Celebrate). When he finished though, he looked like it had taken a lot out of him. And here is what I think about Brandon: he is not quite comfortable being in the spotlight yet. He is used to being hidden in the background, and it is taking him a while to get used to being the star. You can totally tell if you watch him before, during, and after he performs; he is very quiet and withdrawn before, then he is SO BIG and SO INTO IT and SO GREAT and SO UNAFRAID during his performance, and then he sinks right back into his shell when the song's over. I hope he gets into the Top Twelve, because he is amazing.

Phil - I have several problems with Phil, not least is this: IF YOU ARE GOING TO BE IN THE MILITARY THEN BE IN THE MILITARY AND QUIT DITCHING TO GO BE ON TV. I had the same problem with Josh Gracin, whenever he was on, and I am about to get really angry about this, so ... Number 2: Last week he dedicated his song to his troop or squad or whatever, and then the song was "I Ain't Missing You." I think there was a message in that, and it was not very subtle. Number 3: And I admit that this is very shallow, but he has the Ugly Singing Face.

Chris S. - He is my favorite because he's funny. That is not a reason to root for someone in a singing competition, but frankly, given the level of "talent" in this particular season, the vocals have not been all that important, if you want to know the truth. Fortunately, Chris CAN sing, though he did not do so well with tonight's song "We All Wanna Be Loved," which is from dcTalk, which is a band I love and have seen in concert four times. Michael Tait can burn that song up, which Chris did not do so well, but he was still better than 75% of his competition. Also, I saw Michael Tait at Kroger one time. He bought bacon.

Tomorrow I will talk about the girls, and I will warn you: I am NOT an Antonella fan.


Cindy said...

This was great, Mei! One of the funniest, most spot-on reviews of AI I've ever read! I agree with you on almost everything. And I do really, really like Chris Sligh. I don't know if "America" will let someone who looks like him be Idol, but he's awesome.

The women--especially the African American women--have been fantastic so far. I hope they don't disappoint me tonight!

Mei said...

Thanks, Cindy. When Simon was on Oprah a few weeks ago, he said that he had a person in mind who was AI material, but did not look like a typical Idol. I wonder if he meant Chris?

Anonymous said...

Okay, I must defend Chris R - Federline vibe? I don't think so. If anything, I think he has a JT vibe or even an Elliot vibe (must be that southern VA thing). But please, do no not insult him with the Federline comparison. Love Chris S!

Joon said...

I do think Chris R. reminds me of Elliot the way that he dances around. I like him. I do think that Chris S. is funny too, as well as Blake. Blake's hillbilly impersonation was funny.


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