Plumbing, for Dummies

Dear Internet,
Hello. How are you? I am fine. This has been a beautiful day, near 75 degrees and bright and sunny. Also, I am on Spring Break, which does of course add to the beauty of this day.

So, how does one, if one wishes, completely and totally ruin a lovely spring day? I think I might have some idea...

This afternoon, held tight in the throes of a cleaning mania, I decided to clean the bathtub. Not to just clean it, but to C-L-E-A-N it. It's been a while since the bathtub got a good scrubbing, so I was gonna clean the bejeezus out of that thing.



Here's what the shower looks like on a normal day.
You'd think I would be satisfied with that, but no.
Oh, silly Internet!








Surrounded by a scummy soap film, dried shampoo, and tiny pieces of soap that are good for nothing except clogging up the drain, I focused on the biggest problem of all: the itty-bitty ring around the faucet plate. This would not do! My first priority must be making the Faucet Ring disappear!

To do so, I of course had to take the faucet apart. And then I of course had to take all the pieces of the faucet off the pipe. And then I of course was washed backwards into the tub by the spray of water shooting from the pipe.

Here I am getting beat down by water.
Y'all, I am a wimp.
Also hitting me in the chest and abdomen? Pieces of faucet!
I think my ribs are cracked.

Imagine, if you will, my reaction. Those words were NOT clean, though I was, because of the water. I think it could have washed my sins away; it was a very strong spray.

There is now, on my bathroom floor, a big pool of water, decidedly NOT being soaked up by my best towels. Or the bath mat. There is, below me, in my kitchen, another big pool of water, which is a little more inclined to be soaked up, but I think only because I resorted to using my good sheets and my childhood blanket.

The cat has gone into hiding, as I wish I could, and my parents of course called at the worst possible time. "I CANNOT TALK NOW!!!" I screamed through the phone at my mother. And then she didn't hang up so it took like nine more tries to clear the line so I could call City Hall and tell them to turn off the water main. In the meantime, a tidal wave was beating against the wall of the shower, so I had to yell at the nice City Hall Lady too. I should send her some flowers.
Finally, the water was turned off, and the faucet is of course irreparably broken, and I have visions of the bathroom floor falling down into my kitchen, which I think happened to Urkel one time.

Here I am answering the door to my brother-in-law, who actually does know something about plumbing.

I tried to show how my clothes were clinging to me, you know, because of the near-drowning.

My father is going to fix the faucet, but only, I think, if I sit down and hear a HUGE lecture on my own lack of plumbing skills, which, I think I've learned that lesson already, thanks. I feel certain that all my tools will be confiscated, so that I will no longer pose a threat to myself or to the bathtub. I really really wish I smoked, because I am in a state right now and I feel that I could calm myself if only I could give myself some yummy lung cancer.

Instead, I'm telling you all about it, in a desperate attempt to regain my equilibrium and to reflect on what I've done. In about a gerjillion years, I'm sure this will be as funny to me as it is to my mother, but for now, I am settling for fuming and not speaking to anyone.

And since I cannot think of anything else to do, I am going to go to bed and hope that this is all a bad dream.

Much love,
Mei Flower