You might think this is a very odd opinion for a teacher, and I would agree with that. But the thing is, I had to watch 20,000 Leagues under the Sea in the fourth grade. And Tron in the sixth grade. And a documentary about childbirth in the tenth grade. So now, as an adult, I don't want to watch a movie about the center of the earth. It probably sucks down there, and even if it doesn't I don't care; I DON'T LIVE THERE.
So I was mildly surprised to find this postcard in my mailbox, on account of I'm not the target audience for the film.
But the back was even weirder:
The text is as follows:
There are 32 more days until I (I being the great Brendan Fraser) come knocking on your door at the multiplex! Have you started counting down yet? The Mummy moves East to China and I can count on you to be there watching, can't I?? To celebrate expect a few more things coming your way!!
Let's analyze this, shall we?
1. Why is Brendan Fraser sending out postcards? Is it 1891 already?
2. Why is Brendan Fraser promoting the new Mummy movie with Journey to the Center of the Earth postcards?
3. How did Brendan Fraser get my address?
4. Somebody, whether it was Brendan Fraser or one of his publicists, actually wrote this. I know, because I licked my finger and did a smudge test:
5. Look at this: (I being the great Brendan Fraser)
Of all people, I certainly I have no right to talk about the size of someone else's ego. However, that does seem, to me, a bit ... gross.
6. And this: come knocking on your door at the multiplex!
a. In the South, they are called theaters. Though I have Yankee-fied my pronunciation, there are still plenty of people
b. I don't live at the theater.
c. I don't even work there.
d. Therefore, I don't have a door there.
e. So that could be awkward for Brendan Fraser.
7. This: I can count on you to be there watching, can't I??
Actually, I wasn't planning on going.
As everyone who's ever met me knows, I LOVE MUMMIES. I have planned vacations around mummies. I have dragged my family to see mummies.
And The Mummy is my favorite movie of all time. I love it more than any other movie, bar none. I missed it in the theater, but when my sister visited me in Nashville, she brought the video, and I watched it, rewound it, and watched it again. And the next morning, I watched it for a third time. I show it at school every year--under some educational pretext or another--and I watch it for fun during the summer. I love it that much.
The Mummy Returns? Not so much.
The Scorpion King? Not at all.
So I wasn't planning on seeing this new Mummy at all. Partly because Rachel Weisz opted out, and partly because it will never equal the first in the series.
8. This: The Mummy moves East to China
I want EGYPTIAN mummies; those are the ones I'm
9. But this: To celebrate expect a few more things coming your way!! has me both intrigued and, in truth, a little bit frightened. WHY IS BRENDAN FRASER STALKING ME?
10. I just like round numbers.