Young Mei

When I was a sophomore in high school, I got a U in conduct in my biology class. I place the blame fully on my friend Teresa, who kept talking to me until I turned around to tell her to shut up, and then I got in trouble.

Regardless of the fact that I'd gotten all As for my REAL grades, my mother focused on the one bad conduct grade. "That is not how a Flower should act," she told me. "Nobody asked me if I wanted to be a Flower," I shot back.

I went to a basketball game that night, but when I got back, my dad handed me my ass booty, because boy was I in trouble.

I wasn't punished for my U in conduct; I was punished for being rude to my mother. We Flowers don't do things halfway, and here is what I got:

For the grading period of six weeks, I would

-not watch television
-not listen to the radio
-not talk on the phone
-not read anything other than school books
-practice my flute for at least one hour every night
-be the cat's slave

I was also given an extra rotation on dishes-washing duty and I lost my allowance.

In short, I was to be as miserably bored as a person could be, with the added insult of being poorer than usual.

Oh, and my dad made me write a one-page letter to my mother apologizing for being a smart aleck. Except ... well, I am who I am.

On the one hand, it's a little disheartening to realize that I probably wrote my masterpiece at the age of fifteen, but on the other hand, I love my fifteen-year-old smart alecked self SO MUCH.

I apologize for speaking disrespectfully to you. I am very, very, very, very, very, very, very** sorry. I deeply regret anything I might have said to cause you discomfort.
For restitution,*** I will cut myself off from the television, telephone, radio, and recreational reading**** until Friday, November 30, 1990. I will also forego [sic] my allowance to be received on Sunday, November 25, 1990. I shall empty the feline's personal lavatory this entire six weeks, and will wash the flatware during the week of November 26, 1990, when I am not supposed to.***** I will do my best to ensure that this incident will not recur. Please accept my deepest apologies.
Mei Flower I *******

* title reserved for when I am mad at her
** three lines' worth
*** thanks, thesaurus!
**** It should be noted that this letter was written AFTER the punishment had been handed down so, while Young Mei takes credit for The Grounding of Doom, it was already a foregone conclusion.
***** because I couldn't help myself
****** not really
******* The addition of this single roman numeral made me laugh until I cried. Twice.


arianna said...

I love the letter, and I totally appreciate the numeral after your name. Priceless.

But I am most HORRIFIED by the idea that you weren't allowed to read recreationally for a month & a half!! I would have been absolutely devastated. I would have started lying and saying that every single book was for school. That, and I would have resorted to reading everything ELSE I could possibly get my hands on (cereal boxes, instructional manuals, whatever). Wait...I actually do that already. :)

I don't know if I've ever properly introduced myself to you, but I've been following your blog for quite some time. I'm not even sure how I came across it -- I believe it was probably through someone else's blog; maybe you were an SP swap buddy of someone I know or read? In any case, I love your work. You are consistently entertaining (hilarious!), educational, and most importantly, engaging. Keep up the excellent work! :)

Laura said...

That the I made you laugh until you cried twice made me laugh out loud at the computer like a crazy person.

Dree said...

Totally agree with Laura. That was the best part. I just love finding things I wrote when I was a kid/teenager. I crack myself up sometimes. :)

Anonymous said...

Do you remember calling your parents into your room and they found you standing on your head out of boredom?


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