Reflection

Lately, I've had cause to reconsider some stuff, and I found, to my surprise, that I'm not the same person I was ten, or five, or two years ago (I KNOW!).

Ten years ago, I was on the verge of graduating from college. I'd sworn that, if I was unmarried eight months later, I'd become the Crazy Cat Lady. Now, years later, I've found that I kinda like the freedom of being unmarried, of being able to leave the bed unmade or not put the new toilet paper on its roll or leave the clothes in the dryer until I need them.

Five years ago, I was about to move to Missouri, and my sister Joon was fixing to get married, and I'd just suffered a significant personal loss that led to almost-agoraphobia and a crippling fear of the dark. It was a Crap Time, is what I'm saying. At the present time, I'm maybe teetering on the edge of total fulfillment. I'm not perfect, and I'm not satisfied, but I'm BETTER.

Two years ago, I had total faith in a lot of people. I believed everything I was told, bought the lies without questions, had no reason to doubt anyone's word. I realized, this morning, that I've become cynical, that I just find it hard to believe anything anyone tells me; I ALWAYS have questions. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

I kind of thought I'd be the same forever. You know, that person about whom people would say, after several years, "She hasn't changed a BIT."

And in many ways, I AM the same: I still get freaked out by rats (hands like a human!), I still have a slightly skewed way of thinking, I still use the word TOTALLY more than any one person ought to.

On the other hand ... I am making a solid effort to be more empathetic (though I refuse to be sentimental; there must be a limit), I am much more organized (though my disorganization was such that ANY organizational skills would be a vast improvement), and I have taken the batteries out of my biological clock.

I wonder, sometimes, what my 20-year-old self, or 25-year-old self would think of my
31 3/4 self. Would I wonder how I'd managed to squander my time? Or would I be proud of how I wound up?

I'm afraid it's the former, but I HOPE it's the latter.