Beano the Kid

The Flower family is having a problem.

See, Joon's having a kid, but we don't know its gender yet. It seems sort of rude to keep calling the kid "it" (or even "the kid"), but no has been able to agree upon a name for it/the kid.

I, in my wisdom, have come up with a solution.

My mom calls it "Zoe Grace," but Joon hates that. Our family has three teachers, plus Joon's mother-in-law is an aide, so it's hard to settle upon a name that doesn't immediately bring to mind some student/former student who has forever ruined an otherwise beautiful name for any one of us.

MJ wants to name the kid after his dad. This is all fine and sentimental and familial, except his dad's name is Cody. I don't know if this is just a recent thing, but every year, I have, like, seventeen kids named Cody in my classes. It's an epidemic. It's like West Nile, only with a name.

Although Joon seems opposed to the idea, she's just going to have to get used the the fact that her kid is going to be named by a committee. We could have a meeting. I would run it, because I know the rules of parliamentary procedure, and because it's my idea in the first place. Also, that means that I would get to veto any names I don't like. And have a gavel.

Privately, I call the kid Beano. I have my reasons.

1. At the present time, the baby looks like a bean. And frankly, I can never look at ultrasounds and pick out a baby, but I think I could pick out a kidney bean-shaped mass. Probably. With help. And a highlighter.

2. I add the -o to recall our Italian heritage. We don't actually HAVE an Italian heritage, but we do have a fondness for spaghetti, talking with our hands, and yelling at each other. Therefore, I have bestowed upon us an honorary Italian-ship.

3. I think Beano is a very appropriate name for the baby. Partly because of its family name: Farterson, and partly because both Joon and MJ [scandalized whisper] pass gas ALL the time. Joon's pregnancy has in no way alleviated this problem. I know because I sat by her on the couch.

4. The idea of calling somebody Beano is--admit it--funny. It's like calling someone "Fartface," except in a much gentler tone. We Flowers don't often tone down our insults, but ... come on. It's a BABY.

Even after we find out if Beano is a boy or a girl, I plan to adjust the name accordingly: Mr. Bean for a boy, and Beignet for a girl (though that changes the meaning significantly; still, beignets are goo-oo-ood).

For now, though, I'm calling it Beano. It'll catch on, just wait and see.