I don't really like Tom Cruise. Wait; strike that.

I think Tom Cruise is a crackpot closet-case who employs thousands of spies and agents, not to mention lawyers, to be at his beck and call. He is a danger to society, y'all, and if this is my last post YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

So you can imagine my surprise and delight that the Littlest Cruise has arrived.

Now, I do not for one moment believe that the bundle of joy is in any way related biologically to Tom Cruise, and I am not for sure that Katie Holmes has even been for reals pregnant for the last fourteen and a half months. I don't have any proof, other than the fact that Holmes herself has appeared to turn into a zombie with no capacity for original thought, that she appears in public wearing what seems to be an inflated beach ball, and my own disgust, disapproval, and downright hatred for Tom Cruise the AntiChrist.

But the internet press has backed me up with some fairly vague articles that fuel my conspiracy theories.

Exhibit A: Mum's the Word for Tom and Katie
I specifically mention this article because its wording is of some interest to me, an English major and also teacher of high school freshmen who tell lies.
Note the publicist's announcement that Cruise and Holmes "joyously welcomed" that poor, poor baby, while Brooke Shields--who is probably NOT crazy insane--"gave birth" the same day. I am sensing a kind of "half truth" thing here.

Exhibit B: Cruise, Holmes Have Baby Girl Named Suri
I give you this quote: "The baby was born in Los Angeles but the exact location was not disclosed." Have we not heard for WEEKS about all the weirdo silent birth signs being trundled into the Cruise Compound? The pacifier? The sonogram machine? Is Tom Cruise the kind of person who would take his girlfriend to a doctor, a doctor who might give her DRUGS instead of Dianetics? Oh, come now.
Next quote: "A security guard at the gate which was shrouded in black to prevent anyone from seeing in refused to release any information. A few cars did arrive and were allowed into the estate." Isn't it possible that one of these cars carried a newborn child, born to a woman who has recently hit a "lucky streak" at a "casino" and had her bank account inflated by several million dollars? Or perhaps, each car held a baby, so that the Happy Couple got to choose the one they liked best? If some poor nameless dead woman who appears to have recently given birth shows up dead in the Los Angeles area, YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

Of course this is just speculation, but there's bound to be a grain of truth in there somewhere.

I'm telling you who is gonna get the short end of this stick, though, and that is that poor unfortunate baby. Its life is going to be hard enough as the "offspring" of celebrities, but it's going to be that much harder living with Tom Cruise, don't you think?


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Dreamy said...

Argh!! Now that you have comments you're getting spammed. Your post about Tom Cruise cracked me up.

Wendy said...

I think that you are my long-lost twin, separated at birth. I love your blog, and I join you in your views about Tom. And to think I actually used to like him... ah, the naivete of the teen years.

Mei said...

I never got into the Tom Cruise thing, but my best friend in high school LOVED HIM. She framed a picture from a teenybopper magazine and put it on her dresser.

Seriously, my hatred of TC is so great that one of my students asked me today how I felt about the "birth" and I have never felt so muzzled in all my life. Because I totally had A LOT to say about that.


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