Oh, Tom Cruise, why are you such a RIDICULOUS MORON?

Have you read this?

Cruise May Sue Over Split Story

I know, right? Like, Tom Cruise sues EVERYBODY. If you disagree with him at all, if you think his religion is sorta weird, if you insinuate that he's gay, if you talk about his divorces, you better know that you're gonna get a letter from his lawyer.

That's because TOM CRUISE DOES NOT BELIEVE IN THE FIRST AMENDMENT.

Unless it follows his own guidelines, I mean. You can totally talk about like, alien kings or whatever, as long as it falls within the context of Scientology. And please feel free to malign the Baptists and Catholics because they dare to question his principles. And also say what you want about Brooke Shields who is such a bad mother that she sought psychological help in order to NOT KILL HER DAUGHTER. [P.S. I myself would be on his list, since I have "turned to drugs" in order to, you know, KEEP MY JOB.]

Tom Cruise's lawsuits are the rich person equivalent of me suing a student who writes "Ms. Flower is a b-" in a note that I find in my classroom. It may or may not be true (clue: the b- thing? is probably true; those kids make me mad sometimes), but I, at least, am mature enough to shrug it off and go on with my life. A judge's ruling is not going to make my student not think I'm a b- ; in fact, it probably makes that student and several hundred others absolutely POSITIVE that I AM.

Just like I'm more sure Tom Cruise is gay every time he sues another magazine.

Look, I don't care if/that he's gay; I just think he shouldn't hide it. I think that his refusal to acknowledge his "alleged" homosexuality is sort of a slap in the face to the gay community, and I think that the students I have that are totally-gay-but-say-they-aren't might benefit from a high-profile movie star's coming out.

However, according to Cruise's lawyer, "If people think he's gay, [they] will be less inclined to patronize Cruise's films, particularly since he tends to play parts calling for heterosexual romance and action adventure."

Also keeping me from patronizing Cruise's films? His "acting" ability, a total lack of plot, and the fact that I am just really, really sick of seeing his face.

For the record, I DON'T think he and Katie are in love; I totally think he paid her and made her sign a contract and if she violates it, he'll kill her. Furthermore, I think he made his ex-wives and girlfriends sign the same contract. AND, I do not think that Katie is pregnant with any child that was conceived in anything REMOTELY resembling a traditional method. [My friend Kay doesn't think Katie is pregnant at all. She thinks there has been a series of pregnancy pads, and in a couple months there will be a tragic miscarriage which will conveniently break up the "relationship." Kay is a GENIUS.]

I definitely think Tom Cruise needs to get over himself, that he needs to unleash his lawyer and learn to ignore what other people are saying about him, come out, be gay and proud, let apologize for Scientology-lobotomizing Katie Holmes, and maybe just fade off into retirement with his millions of dollars and his Guatemalan cabana boy/boyfriend.

That might even make ME jump a couch.


*This entry is protected by the First Amendment of the Constitution of the United States of America, so SUCK IT, Bert Fields!