11.23.2005

How The Amazing Race Lost the "Amazing"

There are two things that my students definitely know about me--every single one, all 132 of them, with no exceptions:

1. I loooooooove mummies. This, I will address at another time.
2. My favorite show EVER--which I can talk about for hours at a time and discuss and analyze and use as test questions and explain linking verbs with and compare to Dr. Faustus--is the Amazing Race.

EVERYONE KNOWS THIS.

Which is why I find it aggravating and disheartening to report that, when I watch all of the shows I have Tivo'd on a Tuesday (I never watch anything live anymore; how very 2004), I always come to TAR last.

In the past, this would not have happened. In the past, I even watched the show live. This summer, when GSN was showing reruns, I season-passed them, and then WATCHED THEM LIVE. Even the ones I had seen before.

So when I settle down for an evening of television, and TAR is right there on my Now Playing list, and instead I go to Oprah, Martha, My Name is Earl, The Office, Gilmore Girls, and Decorating Cents FIRST, and then BEGRUDGINGLY select the Amazing Race, and only after I have debated with myself as to whether or not I can leave it until tomorrow, THAT, my friends, is a sign of trouble.

TAR: Family Edition is not what I expected it to be. While I had no illusions that it would be as awesome as the regular show, I did NOT think it would sink to these depths. Currently, I have no one to root for, other than Whoever-Is-Not-A-Weaver. I still do not know the names of a majority of the contestants. I am sick unto DEATH of seeing huge office chairs and trailer parks and American scenery.

Let's have some Korean taxi drivers, or Indian trains, or that Fast Forward where you have to shave your head! Let's have contestants who just get down to business, and don't gripe about other teams, and understand that IT'S A RAAAAAAAACE!!!

Furthermore, I totally think that the producers, if they want to cast Christians, should consider having people WHO ARE NOT VILE UNEDUCATED PANPHOBIC GARBAGE-TOSSERS. Who spend all their time complaining about how other people hate them. Who would not know Christian behavior if it appeared to them as the face of Jesus in a plate of spaghetti. Who have the MOST abysmal lack of geographical knowledge. Who hate EVERYTHING, whether it is a volcano or a waterfall or Monument Park in Utah.

AND YES, I AM POINTING AT YOU, WEAVER FAMILY!!!

I suppose it's against your religion for me to speak so disparagingly of you. Just as it's "against your religion to be treated so unfairly." Hey! That's totally against MY religion too! And the Jews', I'm sure. And the Muslims'. And the Puritans' and the Lutherans' and the Hindus' and the Shintos' and the Buddhists'.

I'm sure what you MEANT to say was that it's against your religion to treat OTHERS unfairly. Which you haven't done at all. Nope. You never said a word about Mormons, or bike riders, or Phil, or the Linzes, or the Godlewskis, or Waffle Houses. You have been absolutely the PICTURE of the suffering Christ, bleeding out his life for the sinners. Yup. Oh, wait ...

Plus, to Mrs. Weaver, who is supposedly a teacher and who has home-schooled her own children, I would like to point out (since I am an ACTUAL teacher) that there is no such word as "injuvenate," and that you misused the word "revigorate," both of which were the latest of your crimes against the education profession.

In terms of your other crimes, let me make a list:

-There is no clear parent-child delineation in your relationship with your children.
-You whine too much, which is a bad example to your (whiny) children.
-You encourage your children to blame everything on other people.
-You think singing will show other teams that you are unaffected by anything negative.
-You almost ran over your kids with an SUV.
-You demand that other people show you compassion, but offer none in return.
-You allow your daughters to dress like streetwalkers.
-You think others should respect your beliefs, except that you actually remind me of a joke: I broke up with him because we had religious differences; he thought he was God, and I disagreed.
-You have made me not look forward to my favorite show, and THAT is your GREATEST and most HEINOUS crime, because it directly affects ME.

In short, the Weaver family as a whole is becoming one of my least favorite teams EVER on this show. Given that previous contestants include the Guidos (season 1), Tara and Wil (season 2), Flo (season 3), Chip (season 4), Colin (season 5), Jonathan (season 6), and Susan and Patrick (season 7), THAT IS SAYING A LOT.

1 comment:

Waveflux said...

To her credit, though, Mother Weaver does have nice legs.

No, it's not enough.

 

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