Judging Jessica Simpson

So I was watching Best Week Ever and got the shock of my life: Christians are mad at Jessica Simpson for being mostly naked in her video for "These Boots Are Made for Walking."

I am shocked about this for maybe a different reason than you would think--I am a Christian and I didn't know that Jess was on our list this week. Somebody must have deleted my name from the mass email.

Jessica snapped right back, saying on Extra, "I think that if they’re really good Christians the judgment wouldn’t be there,” which proves once and for all that Jessica doesn't know the first thing about Christianity. Sure, maybe the early Christians were dying-by-mauling in the Roman arenas, but don't think for one second that their friends and relatives weren't in their underground chambers savoring the thought of the emperor in Hell and talking about his deplorable fashion sense.

Jessica's dad Joe Simpson, is, as always, right there in her corner. "That's God's business, judgment," he said another time when people were all scandalized by a naked Jessica. This is, of course, the man who has creepily said in the past, “Jessica never tries to be sexy. … She just is sexy. She’s got double D’s! You can’t cover those suckers up!"

For the record, I would like to say: eeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwww. If my dad ever talked about my boobs ... man, I don't even want to finish that sentence. Someone needs to speak to Joe Simpson on the topic: BOUNDARIES.

I didn't want to be left out of the heated discussion we're sure to be having in Sunday School this week, so I made a huuuuge sacrifice and watched VH1 until I saw this video. I have seen The Surreal Life sixteen times. I feel a little drunk.

Finally, FINALLY, at approximately 4:27 a.m., the video ran. I have a few comments.

1. THAT IS NOT EVEN THE SONG. For two years, Loretta Lynn's version of this song has been in heavy rotation in my iTunes; I love the message of the song, which is, basically, this: you cheated, we're through, I've met someone new, so SUFFER. That is a message I can embrace. Jessica's version is about shoving her boobs in a police officer's face to get out of a ticket. Which, really, who hasn't done that? But did I wreck a song for it? No. Jessica Simpson has Weird Al Yancovic-ed this song, but without the humor. Well, without intentional humor.

2. This song is a misuse of Jessica's talent. While I have never been a fan of Jessica's music, I have never denied that the girl can sing. She has got some pipes. You wouldn't know it from this song. She has Britney-ed up her voice, so she sounds like one of those kittenish robot girls. Her voice would be perfect for one of those late night commercials. I think Jessica deserves better; the song itself definitely deserves better.

3. The song and video both waste Willie Nelson. I don't listen to a lot of country music; in fact, when I was nine years old and living in upstate New York, we did not even have a country music station. However, even then I knew who Willie Nelson was. EVERYONE knew who Willie Nelson was. The man is an icon. He is a legend. He is window-dressing in this video, some old school decoration meant to give this new school trash a little gravitas. You can barely hear Willie singing, but I know he must be because his lips are moving in sync with the words. Likewise, his guitar strumming is covered up by the synchro beats and other weird sounds that someone apparently intends to pass off as music. I feel outraged on behalf of Willie Nelson.

4. Boots with shorts? Come on!

5. The beer and plate are glued onto that tray. This, I realize, is very picky; however, at one point when Jessica is rubbing up against some random guy, the bottle is very nearly parallel to the floor. Nobody cares about realism anymore?

I have some other issues, mainly, I don't think Catherine Bach, the original Daisy Duke, was an actual POLE DANCER, and also that the end of video, where Jessica washes the General Lee in a tiny bikini, seems out of context.

On the whole, I don't know what Christians are griping about. I realize they think we apparently lost a role model, but unless your daughter wants to be the kind of person who throws laundry in the foyer, thinks buffalo wings are made of buffalo, and tans herself into a mummy, was Jessica Simpson really that great a role model to begin with?