The Evil at the Bookstore

Saturday I went to Barnes&Noble in The Metropolis. This is something my family has done for years, after movies, before dinner, while my mom and Joon are shopping, etc. It's cheap entertainment, as well as a totally legal way to steal books.

So this particular day, I was by myself, which meant that I would definitely be buying something. Of all the God-fearing Christians in my family, I'm the only one who ever feels guilty about all the money B&N has lost due to the Flowers family. I have personally read (-slash-stolen) countless books and magazines, planned vacations, copied out houseplans, and even done research for papers and classes there, never caring that the registers are deserted and the staff members are rearranging the entire store out of sheer boredom. But whenever I go to B&N without my family, I inevitably buy something. I just feel so bad about all that lost revenue! I bought five books Saturday, that's how bad I felt.

I usually only hit a few spots if I'm not planning to stay: mysteries, education, and travel. I read mysteries like there's no tomorrow, I check out the education section to see if B&N has decided to acknowledge high school teachers yet (answer: no), and I go to the travel section to see if there's a new book entitled How to Take a Fabulous London Vacation without Paying for a Single Darn Thing (not yet published).

As I approached the travel section, I heard a strange noise drowning out the soulful stylings of The Gaelic Mens Chorus Does Love Songs from the Movies. I drew closer to the grouping of fluffy chairs that was smack in front of the International Travel shelf, and smiled when I saw what appeared to be a family, complete with mom, dad, two kids, and ... ? Was that Grandma? With her fashionable red leggings clinging to every pooch, her right leg planted firmly on the ground, with her left leg FLUNG OVER THE ARMREST?!?!?

She was asleep.

AND SHE WAS SNORING.

I don't think you can fully understand my horror at the scene. This woman, apparently in her sixties, weighing in at--at LEAST--280 pounds, with her legs spread as wide as you please, was sleeping--LOUDLY--in front of her young impressionable grandkids (not to mention ... ME!), in a public place, in front of a huge window that overlooks one of the busiest streets in The Metropolis.

I just don't understand how people can confuse B&N with their own homes. Surely, SURELY, there are no empty Starbucks cups strewn around your den, or bargain books (Casting Love Spells, $5.99) littering your living room, or educational games stacked neatly in your kitchen, or programming books in your bathroom. Is it really so difficult to conduct yourself with decorum when there are people you DON'T KNOW around? Like, I might fall asleep in my parents' living room when my brother-in-law talks about term life insurance, but 1) that's different, they're family; 2) it's not a public place; and 3) I don't snore.

In conclusion, I was so freaked out that I bought two more books. Barnes&Noble owes me.