Being L. Ron Hubbard

I am so sick of Scientology. I probably wouldn't hate it so much if it had a better spokesperson. Seriously, Tom Cruise, that is not the way to win converts! Do Muslims torture innocent couches? Do Mormons egregiously over-display themselves? Do Southern Baptists engage in super-public displays of affection? (No, we prefer privacy).

Disregarding the "face" of Scientology, which I do at every possible moment, I guess my biggest question is this: how do you base a system of beliefs on the works of a science fiction author? Like, is there a Hitchhiker's Guide Community Don't Panic Temple? Is there a First Galaxy Church of Star Wars? Does Dr. Spock administer the last rites for members of the Holy Order of Star Trek?

These are all churches I could get behind, if necessary. Scientology? Not so much.

In the interest of full disclosure, I will state that I don't know that much about Scientology as a religion. From what I understand, there's something that measures your emotions and then you have to try not to get angry anymore. Or something. And it costs like $10,000 to get your emotions measured. Would I have to get re-measured every time I had a PMS fit? Because that is a lot of money. I do not find it at all surprising that Scientology is a rich person's religion. Take a poll. Out of all your friends, co-workers, and acquaintances, how many are Scientologists? None, right? Because they're probably poor, like you, right? So I fallaciously, based on nothing but my own--I'm sure--misunderstanding of what I read on a website--conclude that Scientology is not an everyman's religion, and it makes me mad when I am excluded from stuff just because I work a regular job and buy my shampoo at Wal-Mart.

Also, I totally hate science fiction, so I am not interested on that level.

Plus, I hate science, so they lost me at the second syllable.

But, because I am trying to put aside my prejudices (my engrams, if you will), I am going to experiment with being L. Ron Hubbard.

So the first thing I will do is name my "church." GREEBALICITY. That is an awesome name for my awesome religion. As an added bonus, it does not make me think of my high school chemistry class, which I should have flunked with like, a 17 average, but I passed with an A because the teacher liked me. I think one of the tenets of Greebalicity will be favoritism.

The name Greebalicity means absolutely nothing, except that I was half-asleep while writing this in my head, and then I invented both this word and the religion that goes with it. I am a little like Will Ferrell's impersonation of James Lipton.

Here is my press release:
Tennessee--Greebalicity, a new belief system that is apparently about everything and nothing at all, is taking the computer room by storm.
Mei Flower, founder of Greebalicity, says, "I was just bored and this is what I thought of," while explaining the pillars of this new religion to her cat Lulu. "Meow," said Lulu, 5, who was mostly unimpressed and then ran into the closet.
"I know that people may scoff, and Germany may outlaw me, but the truth of Greebalicity must be told!" says Mei. "I just want people to know that there is an alternative to traditional and non-traditional religions alike, and Greebalicitists are some of the greatest people on earth!"
When asked how many converts to Greebalicity there are in the world, Mei faltered, and the unholy light in her eye seemed to dim somewhat before she took her contact out and cleaned it. "Well, at this particular time, there is one. Me. But I know that the message of Greebalicity will appeal to people everywhere."
For more information about Greebalicity, try not to be such a moron.