A couple of weeks ago, when I was on the verge of my pre-performance breakdown, I received a summons for jury duty. Now. I am more than happy to offer my services to our local court system, but it so happens that this summons was for April 12, aka THE FIRST DAY OF SPRING BREAK.
At that moment, my pre-performance breakdown got moved up by several days, and while I was at it, I just went ahead and had my during- and post-performance breakdowns as well. I'd been looking forward to Spring Break the way a prisoner looks forward to parole, and now I was going to have to get up early and spend my day around common criminals? ["Just like at school," my mean personality sneered. Her name is Cindy.]
Because I am a Good Citizen--with the certificates to prove it; sure, they're from the fourth grade, but THEY COUNT--I showed up at the Random County Courthouse early Monday morning, walked through the metal detector, and stood in line waiting for the courtroom doors to open. I was already mentally planning my plea to the judge: "And if you DON'T let me go home, you will SEE ME on the OTHER SIDE of the JURY BOX because I WILL HAVE MURDERED SOMEONE MYSELF. I'm not saying WHO, exactly, but I THINK MY HANDS WILL FIT AROUND YOUR NECK JUST FINE." [Cindy helped me with that.]
The Circuit Court Clerk did a roll call, and not one, not two, not three, but FOUR of my former students had been summoned as well (two didn't show). There were also people who are probably related to two of my current students (their names are common around here, but only because they are, in fact, ALL related). One of the judges has a daughter I taught last year. I graduated from high school with one of the attorneys. And I think the clerk was my softball coach. Actually, it's absolutely possible that I was connected, in one way or another, to EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THAT COURTROOM.
Of course there's only one conclusion to draw from this:
I AM THE KEVIN BACON OF RANDOM COUNTY.
That revelation was so powerful that there was really only one way for me to adequately express my emotional state: I had to DANCE.