A few weeks ago, I was SO OVER teaching that I actually tried to find another job. And by that, I definitely mean, "looked for high-paying, do-nothing positions on monster.com."

Well, surprise: no one is hiring.

So I lowered my expectations a little and looked for ANYTHING I might be remotely qualified to do, and whaddayaknow? The only thing I can do with my degree is ... teach.

Then I thought that maybe I could create my own job, like, wouldn't I be a great Professional Criticizer? Or perhaps someone needs a Certified Eye-Roller on staff.

Sadly, my only skill--which I discovered a couple of weeks ago, when I noticed Lyndie carrying around some ... erm ... baggage in the region of her tootie--is shaving a cat's butt. I'm an amazing Cat Butt Shaver.

I think there's a market for that. I mean, who else would be willing to wade in there? People, I've faced the dragon, and I've got the scars to prove it (literal as well as figurative, in this case). My fear--and, well, my shame--is gone.

For some reason, we were discussing this at lunch, and somehow I also volunteered to pimp some cats. Not by, like, spray-painting them with flames and attaching a spoiler bar to their tails, but by being a madam of sorts. For cats. A Cat Madam. I could do that.

Finally, as I was reading the news today, I found my perfect job, and this is a real, legitimate occupation that I didn't have to make up.

Holiday Inn location in London offers 'human bed warmer' service - a staffer to warm up your sheets

I know that sounds pretty shady, but really. Just seconds ago I was offering to get provide your cat with some adult entertainment. I am not afraid of the shade.

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