I Work Out So You Don't Have To

Right. So.

I hate working out. I would rather clean my house than exercise, and that is saying a LOT. But I caught myself, this week, looking over the fitness dvds on Netflix, and I picked out a few that I'd been thinking about buying. It's like getting the milk without buying the cow, which is probably the first time that comparison has ever been used non-sexually.

Yoga Booty Ballet Live, Latin Flavor.

I saw YBB on an infomercial during one of my many many late nights (pre-sleeping pills). Everybody looked like they were having tons of fun and obviously every single person who used the dvds lost, like, four hundred pounds ... in the first thirty days. And I like ballet--though it's bad on my knees--and I keep meaning to try yoga--though I doubt I have the patience for it.

There's no menu on the dvd; it just starts right away and if you have, for example, run to the kitchen to get the cat some food, you're already behind by the time you get back to the living room.

The program starts with some simple yoga-based stretches, and then there's a period where you have to create a lotus blossom with your hands and visualize your goals. This seemed to me to take a very long time, maybe because I can't sit still, or maybe because I tend to visualize cheeseburgers or ice cream. If meditation were a class, I'd fail every single time.

Since this program is the Latin one, there's a Hispanic guy sitting amongst the "sticky mats" pounding on congas and bongos and cowbells, yet strangely, I NEVER HEARD THEM ON THE SOUNDTRACK. So I puzzled over that while I was supposed to envision my goals.

The aerobic section (I guess that would be the "booty" part of YBB) relies heavily on whatever that cha-cha-cha move is. I mean, I'd say it was the cha-cha, but then I'd probably turn out to be wrong. There's a lot of movement, and that can be a bad thing for a rhythm-challenged person, not that I am one of those. I will say, however, that you can pretty much substitute a step-touch for the harder moves if necessary.

I started working up a sweat almost immediately, especially when I picked up the dvd holder and read "50 minutes." The instructors go through a whole dance routine, in which all the easy moves are at the beginning, so you convince yourself that you're a JLO in the making, and then they shoot you down toward the end with a whole mess of shimmying and hopping, or something. Learning the whole routine takes about ten minutes, and then they show the last move, go through the entire routine one time, and quit, so of course I didn't get the last move and therefore had no chance to try it again.

And that's it for the cardio/aerobic part. I was surprised; I expected it to last longer, and I didn't feel like I'd gotten into the fat-burning stage.

Next is the ballet section, which is basically pilates exercises. You guys, I can kick pilates in the butt, I'm not joking. So that part was pretty easy for me, even though you wouldn't expect a fat girl to be that flexible. There was one exercise though ... the instructor said to make your hands like a doughnut and then put them over your pelvic area, and I was like, "Uh ... just where is this going?" I am too irreverent for serious exercise, I think.

The last section was a bunch more deep breathing and visualizing, during which time I visualized that I was bored, and what do you know: it came true. The kicker was when they said to chant a mantra, and I think my mantra could be roughly translated to, "Girl, please." Man, I hope I never meet the Dalai Lama, because he would be soooo disappointed.

Yoga Booty Ballet was not at all what I expected, and I will not buy this dvd. Not enough cardio, way too much sitting. I guess if what I wanted was a workout that doesn't feel like a workout, YBB would fit the bill. In conclusion: YBB? Not for me.