Miss Manners

Yesterday I received an invitation to a wedding. While I am not altogether opposed to receiving wedding invitations in general, I am EXTREMELY opposed to receiving this one, specifically, and for these reasons:

1. The wedding, though it has been in the works for a year, is sixteen days away. This means I have received my invitation NOT EVEN two and a half weeks before the ceremony. This is like having a guy call you on Thursday and ask you to go out on Friday; you know, and he knows, that you weren't his first choice, and now he's running through his phone book looking for a warm body. I am offended, both by That Guy, and by this late invitation.

2. I am not friends with either the bride or the groom. I knew them from Sunday school, but just barely. I mean, we didn't hang out or anything; we'd just sit in the same room for an hour every Sunday. I'd be okay with the invite, based on that, except that I haven't been to Sunday school in almost TWO YEARS, and I haven't spoken to the bride or the groom in all that time either.

3. Let me just say it straight out: this whole thing reeks of PLEASE GIVE US PRESENTS WE WANT PRESENTS LOTS OF PRESENTS OR MONEY WOULD BE FINE TOO.

Hey, guess what! I want presents too! But I do not ask strangers to give them to me! [to Joon: BREAKROOM CLOSED! FOR CLEANING!] And the truth is, I probably would be less outraged if they'd just come out and said it, instead of acting like I'm an honored guest or something.

And this makes me think about my (hypothetical) wedding. If that ever happens, I don't need people to buy me stuff. I've lived on my own for a while now; I think I'm set.

I don't like all that fuss anyway; my (hypothetical) wedding's likely to be totally top-secret and nobody would know about it until after it's happened. I could just show up one day with a new ring and a new man and be like, "What? This old thing?" and nobody would know which one I was talking about.

The point is, I won't be sending an invitation to my best friend from the third grade, whom I haven't seen or spoken to in twenty years, just because I want a blender. I mean, I may have lived in a trailer and I may have tight-rolled my pants in the seventh grade and I may have eaten vienna sausages from a can, but I'm not TACKY.

I'm supposed to RSVP to this thing, and there are only two options for me to choose from.
__Accepts
Oh, now.
__Regrets
And herein lies my conundrum. Because while I have no intention of attending, I also do NOT regret that I will not be attending.

I think there should be more choices, like
__What in the world are you thinking?
or
__Do I know you?
or
__AND THERE WILL BE NO GIFT EITHER.

Or, better yet, I could give them a test.

NAME ____________________ DATE ______________ CLASS __________
Wedding Gift Test

Directions: Answer the following questions. If you answer at least three correctly, I will buy you a present. Write your answers in complete sentences.

1. Where do I work?
2. What do I teach?
3. What is my favorite movie?
4. What hand do I write with?
5. What is my favorite city?
6. Name one of my three favorite television shows.
7. How does my family make decisions (such as where we will eat, or what movie we will see)?
8. Why did I get a new car?
9. What policies do I have regarding movies?
10. What pills do I have to take every day?

Anyone who reads this blog, even rarely, will know at least three; most people that I talk to for more than five minutes will know probably four; any student of mine from the past three years will know at least six. But the bride and groom? Let's just say I'm pretty sure my gift-giving fund won't be taking a hit.

It's times like this that I wish I had the guts to say OUT LOUD what I'm thinking. But, instead, I'll just mark _X_ Regrets and sigh as I push the rsvp card into the mailbox, and I'll keep my mean thoughts to myself. Because I may have spiral-permed my hair, and I may have worn my Keds without socks , and I may have plastered my bedroom walls with magazine pictures of New Kids on the Block, but I'm not TACKY.