Based on Actual Events

The following is something I wrote when I was nineteen, during my second summer working as a cashier at the local Piggly-Wiggly.

I LOOOOVED this job during the first summer, but for some reason I totally hated it the second time around. I worked for a month and took the rest of the summer off.

Each of the things listed below really did happen to me while I was working in the express lane. You want humanity at its finest? Go to the Piggly-Wiggly!

THINGS NOT TO DO WHEN CHECKING OUT AT THE EXPRESS LANE
(SIX ITEMS OR LESS, CASH ONLY)

1. Do NOT bring your full basket to the counter and say, "I have a few more than six, but can you ring me up anyway?"

2. Do NOT divide your five hundred items between you and your eight children. Everybody knows you're cheating anyway.

3. Do NOT wait until the cashier has rung up all your groceries, then whip out your checkbook and say, "Is it all right if I write a check?"

4. Do NOT pay your $17.20 bill with seven $1 bills and ten dollars in dimes.

5. Do NOT sigh loudly, tap your foot impatiently, or stomp off angrily when the person in front of you pays his bill with seven $1 bills and ten dollars in dimes.

6. Do NOT recite the price of each item as it is rung up and then argue with the cashier if the price is not what you think it should be. She is not the one who put the prices into the register; it's not her fault. [ETA: Except one time this man came in and bought some disposable razors and they rang up at $160.00. I could understand bugging out over that. Four cents, though? Shut it!]

7. Do NOT insist on having a price check when there are fifteen people in line behind you.

8. Do NOT complain because your food stamps don't cover your five bottles of beer.

9. Do NOT, after complaining that your food stamps don't cover your five bottles of beer, pay for your cigarettes with at $100 bill. [ETA: Also, do NOT pull said bill OUT OF YOUR BRA, for crying out loud!]

10. Do NOT park your basket in front of the express lane and then go do your shopping.

11. Do NOT suddenly remember that you forgot something and then run to the back of the store to get it.

12. Do NOT come to the register unless you have enough money to pay for the things you buy.

13. Do NOT, after finding you're short of the amount of money you need, beg it off the person behind you.

14. Do NOT, after finding you're short of the amount of money you need, tell the cashier to take one of your items off the bill.

15. Do NOT, after telling the cashier to take one of your items off the bill, keep changing your mind about which item it should be.

16. Do NOT wait until the cashier has rung up your groceries to hand her your coupons.

17. Do NOT make the cashier wait while you run out to the car to get a coupon.

18. Do NOT complain to the cashier that the store is out of (an item). She doesn't order the stuff; she just scans it.

19. Do NOT propose to the cashier when she is trying to ring up your six-pack of beer. [ETA: Actually, it was his mother that proposed FOR him, while he was right there, which is even worse. And she paid for the beer, too, so ... no.]

20. Do NOT tell the cashier why you want paper bags (or plastic, whatever). She doesn't care, and anyway, there are people waiting behind you.